I don’t have the recurrent nightmare about showing up naked to a public event; I don’t know what fear it represents, but I’m not susceptible to it. Ramona’s had the naked dream on my behalf a few times (“OMG, why is Kaizerin standing there without her pants on?!”), whatever that may say about her fears for me.
No, my recurrent nightmare is “It’s finals time, and I haven’t been to class all semester! I don’t even remember what classes I enrolled in!” It’s less frequent than it once was, but still has the power to bring me awake with my heart pounding. I had it again a few nights ago, and to my great unease, it has mutated. This time, I was feeling smug, because it was finals time, and I knew my subjects down pat. I was totally ready to dive into the exams, completely confident of my abilities, and had a moment of lucidity in which I thought, “This is so much better than all the other times. I’m ready!” But then, the twist! It occurred to me that this was the end of the first semester of my senior year of college, so I had one semester left to finish a degree program. Was I in a degree program? Had I taken enough classes in any one subject to earn a degree? What I had I been studying, anyway? Where was my transcript? Who was my advisor? What was I doing with my life?? Aughh! Cue Kaizerin jumping awake, heart pounding.
Apparently, final exams have lost their power to frighten””I have been out of college an absurdly long time now””so the darn thing evolved to a new level of terror. What’s the plan, Kaizerin? Do you have one? Are you following it? What are you doing with your life?
My best guess–and worst fear–is that my subconscious has started the countdown to 40, and this is the first salvo of a midlife crisis. But really, how gauche. Augh!