I also agree that the best part–the benefit and what makes all the work worth it–of being in a relationship is that we don’t have to do it all on our own. We can rely on the other person. This is something I’ve had a hard time adjusting to. The messages I got growing up were more of the “You can only rely on yourself” variety and the “Thou shalt have no needs in a relationship” kind. I’d been taking care of myself (and others) for all of my life when Corvus came along. I had no reliable or appealing examples of what a relationship should or could look like, so I had to make a lot up as I went along. Like everyone else I have this weird hodgepodge of images from movies, books, television, music, and real life to contend with. In the end, it’s easiest just to ditch them all and do what works for you. I can tell you, it’s been a strange, amazing, wonderful, and sometimes scary ride. And I feel beyond lucky every single day.

One thing I will say for this book is that Meyer does not seem to be criticizing or condemning sexuality. On the contrary, it feels more like a celebration of the burgeoning awareness of sexuality. And while there is a cautionary element–be careful, don’t move too fast–overall it feels more like a message of “savor this time, don’t waste it.” That, to me, is an altogether excellent message for young women and men alike. Enjoying every aspect of sex seems much more likely to lead to a fulfilling adult sex life. And also, while Edward is overwhelmingly attracted to Bella (as a teenage boy would be), he really does respect her. And he loves her. I also like that he is taking a lead role in putting the brakes on, no matter how difficult it is.

Kai, I have a copy of the book I would be more than happy to send you. A friend’s wife is reading it at the moment, but she is tearing through it, so I imagine I’ll have it back soon. I can put it in with the next comic shipment. BTW–we’re picking up the latest Buffy this weekend!

But that’s me, and I’m all grown up, with a firm sense of self and excellent boundaries. I can dip into wild princess fantasies without damaging my chances for happiness and fulfillment in the real world. Let me conjure up a bright-but-impressionable tweenage daughter and think about how I’d feel about it…

From the way you described it, this sounds like it would be a great opportunity to explore issues of sexuality, awareness, and responsibility. Maybe you could draw out the themes explicitly, depending on the age of the girl and comfort levels, but you could also get at some interesting and complicated ideas without coming right out and talking about sex–which might make the daughter more comfortable, and therefore more communicative. I’ve never been the mom in one of those situations, but I’ve sure been the daughter; Ramona wanted so badly for us to be able to discuss sexual matters openly and maturely, and most of the time, I was just too darned embarrassed, despite her totally non-judgmental attitude. (So, having been stymied even with the most open and understanding of mothers, I can’t even imagine how impossible it must be to try to discuss sex with a mom who is anxious/repressed/judgmental.) And yet, it’s such a crucial topic for mothers to communicate with daughters about–so much gets wrapped up in our sexuality: body image, self-esteem, boundary issues, mental and physical health issues, etc. Can anything mess a person up so profoundly as negative formative sexual experiences? And that’s not even considering the life-altering (and life-threatening!) potential consequences. And yet…you can’t get all heavy and scary and hellfire-damnation-pox-n-plague on the topic, because you want her to grow up to someday enjoy a healthy, fulfilling sex life. So even if the message of the book isn’t quite what you want to get across, it opens a door to discuss the topic. Besides, my imaginary daughter is smart enough to enjoy the parts of the book that work for her and reject the messages that don’t. And so is yours. And if a percentage of the teenage girl population out there ISN’T that smart, well, this book isn’t their biggest worry, and they’re getting worse messages than “Hold off.”

Now, as to the Rescue Me Princess fantasies…sigh, yes. Even those of us whose Second-Wave Feminist single mommies did their utter best to raise us free of traditional gender expectations are still susceptible to notions of being swept off our feet and carried away to a castle to live happily ever after. Even though we know it’s best if get an education and learn marketable skills and earn our own money and save for our own retirements, and anyway, those poufy dresses are really adorable to look at, but much less fun to try to manage modern life in. And don’t even get me started on those ridiculously impractical glass slippers.

I think you have it exactly right when you say, “In love we save each other and save ourselves all the time. It’s a lot of work. There is nothing dainty about it and you can’t just wait around.” Yep, yep, and yep. In a really good, balanced partnership, you take turns saving each other, and sometimes, you step in and save yourself. You don’t expect your partner to do it all for you, but you don’t have to do it all yourself, either. You give and you take, and the mark of a truly good relationship is each partner feels like they’re getting more than they’re giving. There’s no “right” way to conduct a relationship—each couple finds a point of balance that works for both of them. If you’re both happy and fulfilled, and your relationship lets you both grow as you need to, then it works. I think the important part is not letting romantic notions lock you into a template of romance that doesn’t really work for you. There’s all kinds of princes out there, and if you’re only keeping an eye out for a studly guy on a white steed, you’re going to overlook the fantastically supportive, emotionally attuned, funny, smart, shy guy who’s really going to treat you like a princess.

As to your first point regarding the dichotomy of the ages–while I do think there are certainly a greater number of strong, inspiring, independent female characters out there for girls to admire and love today, one only needs to look as far as the Disney Princess empire to see that we are still raising young girls to daintily wait in pretty dresses for their prince charming to show up and rescue them. And in the end, these girls are still going to have to deal with the realities of actual relationships and the need to be able to save yourself. Even Enchanted, which was supposed to throw some of those silly conventions on their ear, still has a flighty, flakey, well-dressed princess who gets saved by a more dimensional “prince,” rather than the generic and dull one from her cartoon fantasy world. She stays in the “real world” with her new man and starts a business making princess dresses for little girls… I’m not saying that she has to become a lawyer or wear pant suits and shun the company of men. But who is she outside of her longing for love?

I really think the ultimate problem here is not even so much one of gender and our roles in relationships, although that certainly is a huge factor, it is about seeking that sense of approval and validation from another person–from a source outside of yourself. This is such a fleeting feeling and when the bloom of love is off the rose (and you settle into the more pedestrian aspects of a relationship), that is when the insecurities and our own personal inability to see and love ourselves rears its ugly head. If you don’t love you, nobody can save you from that. And thus are so many relationships doomed to fail.

I have far too strong a romantic streak to do away with the “saving” element of love. I mean, love saved me in many ways–but not in the ways I had expected. In love we save each other and save ourselves all the time. It’s a lot of work. There is nothing dainty about it and you can’t just wait around. Being saved and saving someone else requires very active participation. And then, sometimes, it just isn’t right. It doesn’t work. The fit is bad. Isn’t that saving yourself to admit that? Isn’t that saving each other to walk away?

I really want to get other people’s impressions of what is going on in this book, because I think that is actually happening here is actually more mutual. Bella is helping Edward discover a whole new aspect to existence, she is changing his life and his world, as much as she tells us he is changing hers. She has opinions, makes decisions, and is far more level-headed than Edward seems capable of being. And again, this story is totally being told through her eyes. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

And at the end of the day, all the analysis and everything aside, it was the emotional experience that I will take away with me. And I did enjoy the ride. Immensely. If you get around to reading it I would love to hear your thoughts and observations.